Halloween is just around the corner, and with that comes an inevitable and unnecessary evil: haunted houses. If you’re anything like me, well, you’re a coward – and that’s okay! Who wants to pay money to shuffle through a dark, musty basement and maybe have a heart attack? Have no fear, fellow scaredy-cats, as I’ve done the research and am here to provide you with five tips for surviving your friends’ sick sense of adventure.
1. Don’t go.
Most people make up excuses to miss work, but not you. If you’re a true introvert, you’ve got a laundry list of excuses to not go out and have the opposite of fun with these so-called “friends.” Try one of these much scarier excuses that are bound to earn you some respect points:
- “I have mono.”
- “My dentist only sees his patients at night.”
- “I got a thing, uh, at that place tonight. I can’t. Sorry, guys.” *shrug*
2. Find someone more scared than you.
They always say, “When being chased by a bear, you don’t need to be the fastest; you just can’t be the slowest.” Same rules apply. Find someone who is absolutely mortified and take advantage of that. If you follow the rest of these tips, they’re bound to be “that guy” in the group, and you’ll (hopefully) get through scot-free.
3. Travel closely behind another group or stand behind someone tall.
I know, this is starting to sound pathetic, but traveling immediately behind another group means you have a pretty solid idea of every scare coming up. This is how I survived Cedar Point’s Halloweekends – known for its wonderful special effects but admittedly tame haunted houses. If they’re separating the groups, use your height to your advantage and find someone taller than you to take shelter behind. You can essentially close your eyes the entire way through, provided you stick behind your lumbering guide.
4. Whatever you do, don’t be front or last.
Much like the above tip, this rule is applicable assuming your haunted house runs like a horror movie – and most of them do. If you’re first in line, you’re going to take the brunt of the scares, while whoever’s in last is likely to get followed or even touched, depending on where you go. Also, don’t act scared. Actors will pick up on that, and some will even call your name should they hear your friends mention it. Find a group of three or more and secure your place in the middle.
5. NOTICE EVERYTHING.
Should you be forced to travel through a haunted house with your eyes open, TAKE NOTICE OF EVERYTHING AROUND YOU. Here’s the deal: Actors want to catch you by surprise. These sickos crave it. So if you take notice of every actor before they surprise you, theoretically, they can’t scare you. You can even yell at them before they catch you, or make your girlfriend do it – not that I know what that’s like.
At this point, you’re probably assuming I’m the Scrooge of Halloween or horror movies, but that’s not true! I live for the stuff, because it’s not real. Neither is a haunted house, but, well, you can pause a scary movie. I’m just looking out for the little guy. Now, go forth and prove to your friends you can (kind of) survive a haunted house.